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Monday, August 10, 2009

A Father's Revenge

by Steven P. Velasquez
August 10, 2009

Two days from today, we'll be taking our daughters (18, 13 and 2) to Disney World in Florida. The excitement is reaching a fever pitch and the anxiety is palpable. I've promised my daughters since they were babies that we would someday go see "The Mouse." For one reason or another, the finances or time or some other factor always got in the way of what other people make look so simple; a family vacation.

During all that time (14 years now but who's counting?), there have been trials and tribulations, problems, crisis, poor report cards, incomplete homework, not coming home at the time they were supposed to, arguments, and rooms not cleaned! You know, the rigors of parenting! We're no different than any of you.

Alas, the day has come. The day two parents are to keep their promise to their younglings. This year we thought would be special because, Samantha (my oldest) has graduated high school and will be attending college the day after we return. Nicolette has become a teenager and has just returned from a "Missions Trip" to Nicaragua with her church, where their group helped provide clean, running water to a village about 6 miles away from the Capitol City of Managua. And last but not least, Brianna. The precocious two and a half year-old that loves all things Disney. She'll have no permanent recollection of this trip, but WHO CARES? It's going to be so special to see her face light up when she sees all her favorite TV and movie stars alive before her. We really can't wait!

Ah, and now the revenge part! Remember I told you about all those little nuisances that are native to parenting? Now it's my turn, particularly against the older two as they are now in their "cool years" and they're conscious of their appearance and just a little boy crazy.

My parents were naturally "un-cool" because of a few reasons. 1. There was a bigger age difference between they and I. 2. There was also a cultural divide between us as Mom was from Puerto Rico and Dad, from Peru. They tried their best but wow, did I feel like I was from another planet! I could go on and on about the endless embarrassment of my teen years but will spare you the gory details. Night after night of "hey Dad, can you drop me off over here?" (about 6 blocks away from where the party or event was to avoid being embarrassed again). My children don't have those divides but are convinced 40 is ancient. My time has arrived. My time to capitalize on my little angels! I've been preparing this for years!!

I'm planning to show up at Disney wearing the most repulsive Bermuda shorts, pulled up over my rotund belly and cinched up just below the bottom of my rib-cage. I'm purchasing a hideous set of Mariachi sandals of course to be contrasted against a set of black socks that come up to my knee line. All this under a silk button down shirt of some sort with an embroidered naked lady on the back. My shirt, mostly unbuttoned, will expose the three chest hairs I've managed to grow since puberty and perhaps a large gold medallion of some sort ('cause I think that's kinda hot!). I'm not going to shave so I get that rough Don Johnson of "Miami Vice" look (God I miss the 80's)! I'll probably light up a cigar just to annoy everyone around me and bark at them when they confront me about the smell. A big set of Blues Brother's dark beach cruiser sunglasses will certainly punctuate my coolness and this entire ensemble will be topped off with one of those captain's hats with the gold scrambled eggs on the visor. I will exude cool!

I'll deliberately stare and ogle at the "chicks" as they pass by while telling the girls stories about how I used to have several chicks, much prettier than that, at my disposal. If said chick should catch me staring and curse at, pour a drink on me, throw something at me or assault me with her mouse ears, I'll explain to the girls that she just doesn't know what a real man looks like!

I figure if the roller coasters don't make the girls hurl -- Daddy surely can.

1 comment:

  1. And then your daughters ran away and you did not see them again. Or maybe you didn't see them again because of the lady who declared you blind as her child tried to cut in front of us in line....