Dear John...

by Steven P. Velasquez
October 3, 2013

 

Dear John - the CVS Jerk-Off,

 

I visited your establishment today in search of some personal products. I'm wearing conservative, business casual clothing just to set the scene correctly. 

 

Perhaps I was there too long or strolled through an aisle too many. Your not-so-stealthy attempt to follow me with your beady eyes was betrayed by your shark fin-like, bald head that transiently appeared and vanished and appeared again in the aisles beside me as you seemingly sought to catch the brown guy "in the act."

 

When I got to the check out, you asked if I had a card. I replied (in fluent and articulate English) that I had lost my keys and thus, my card and asked you for a replacement. You confirmed my suspicion and secured your new nickname of John - The CVS Jerkoff when you passed me my new cards, unfolded the application and handed it to me - Spanish side up.

 

I won't get too dirty here or bore my family and audience with the list of obscenities in my heart (and in two languages no less). I'll just remind you of this my bald, beady-eyed, stereotyping, racist friend, I just left a classroom where I taught doctors how to save critically ill babies. You just rang up my M&M's.

 

Buenas tardes Jerk-off.